2008 Woodie Awards
Eating out on a budget: yes
Megan Munroe
Issue date: 10/10/08 Section: FUSE
Originally published: 10/9/08 at 6:13 PM EST
Last update: 10/9/08 at 6:44 PM EST
Let's get straight to it.
This week's lesson: cunnilingus.
When it comes to the ancient art of muff-diving, there is one thing to remember first and foremost: just do it.
Number two, just do it and don't act like it's some big favor that needs to be reciprocated twelvefold - some women are more, let's just say, experienced, and well aware that a lollipop makes for a more pleasant and manageable task than a popsicle does.
Think about it.
Number three, enthusiasm is a must.
Any journey that does not begin with optimism and at least some semblance of interest in the undertaking is doomed. Mission: failed.
As a side note, trimmed fingernails are also essential if you would rather your partner did not know the definition of blinding pain.
While some pain - bites, scratches, even choking if you're feeling particularly kinky - can definitely be good, internal injuries never are.
Now let's examine some facts - many of you readers are college students, some of you are men, and some of you have significant others.
Whether you reap the benefits of a certain kind of friendship or are in a relationship with some level of commitment, chances are you're receiving steady action and would prefer to keep it that way.
To maintain an agreeable situation for both parties, the rule is simple: give and you shall receive.
If you are a selfish lover, expect to be lonely again before long.
I'll be the first to concede that grooming habits - or lack thereof - play an important role in the enthusiasm - or lack thereof - of the cunnilinguist.
Keep it clean, ladies and gentlemen - it's only fair.
Speaking of fairness, expecting the cunnilinguist to show immediate oral proficiency without indicating your preferences or specific desires is not a reasonable demand, and will result in disappointment on both parts.
Helpful clues are key, ladies, or your lack of satisfaction is equally your fault.
Just remember that there is a fine line: hints are welcome, but instruction manuals are not sexy.
Finally, can we talk about how head is the solution to everything? Seriously.
Girlfriend mad at you? - go downtown.
Don't have a condom? - go downtown.
Tired of talking? - go downtown.
Anatomy test tomorrow? - go downtown.
Nothing on TV? - go downtown.
Bored with driving? - road head, obviously.
I could go on.
But back to my original point: just do it (but not with a cold sore).
The next time you find yourself thinking "ew, vaginas," conduct a small experiment. Step one: lick a stamp. Step two: deep throat a creamsicle. Step three: Compare. And if that doesn't convince you to man up and quit whining, remind yourself how lucky you are to never have to come up-close-and-personal with balls.
Balls. Yeah.
This week's lesson: cunnilingus.
When it comes to the ancient art of muff-diving, there is one thing to remember first and foremost: just do it.
Number two, just do it and don't act like it's some big favor that needs to be reciprocated twelvefold - some women are more, let's just say, experienced, and well aware that a lollipop makes for a more pleasant and manageable task than a popsicle does.
Think about it.
Number three, enthusiasm is a must.
Any journey that does not begin with optimism and at least some semblance of interest in the undertaking is doomed. Mission: failed.
As a side note, trimmed fingernails are also essential if you would rather your partner did not know the definition of blinding pain.
While some pain - bites, scratches, even choking if you're feeling particularly kinky - can definitely be good, internal injuries never are.
Now let's examine some facts - many of you readers are college students, some of you are men, and some of you have significant others.
Whether you reap the benefits of a certain kind of friendship or are in a relationship with some level of commitment, chances are you're receiving steady action and would prefer to keep it that way.
To maintain an agreeable situation for both parties, the rule is simple: give and you shall receive.
If you are a selfish lover, expect to be lonely again before long.
I'll be the first to concede that grooming habits - or lack thereof - play an important role in the enthusiasm - or lack thereof - of the cunnilinguist.
Keep it clean, ladies and gentlemen - it's only fair.
Speaking of fairness, expecting the cunnilinguist to show immediate oral proficiency without indicating your preferences or specific desires is not a reasonable demand, and will result in disappointment on both parts.
Helpful clues are key, ladies, or your lack of satisfaction is equally your fault.
Just remember that there is a fine line: hints are welcome, but instruction manuals are not sexy.
Finally, can we talk about how head is the solution to everything? Seriously.
Girlfriend mad at you? - go downtown.
Don't have a condom? - go downtown.
Tired of talking? - go downtown.
Anatomy test tomorrow? - go downtown.
Nothing on TV? - go downtown.
Bored with driving? - road head, obviously.
I could go on.
But back to my original point: just do it (but not with a cold sore).
The next time you find yourself thinking "ew, vaginas," conduct a small experiment. Step one: lick a stamp. Step two: deep throat a creamsicle. Step three: Compare. And if that doesn't convince you to man up and quit whining, remind yourself how lucky you are to never have to come up-close-and-personal with balls.
Balls. Yeah.
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